A LITTLE BIT OF A LOT #2
This is March ALBOAL #2. It’s a little bit, a small taste, short notes, bullet points, a little something curated by moi. I collected things I feel are worth sharing. I hope that for the people who are subscribed to my newsletter that there is something for everyone.
Let’s go
#1 The Disco Nap
First off, I "disco napped" ALL THE TIME when I used to go out with friends. I didn't have a fancy term for it, but at 39, it makes sense because I find life and big groups exhausting, so a pre-game nap over pre-drink was more my speed. Sometimes it was both.
A disco nap is having a quick snooze before going out for the evening. According to sleep specialist Whitney Roban, Ph.D, the best time is between 2 and 3 p.m., with the nap ending by 3 p.m.
#2 Favourite thing I watched this month (17 minutes long)
#3 Kung Fu Nuns
The New York Times article about Kung Fu nuns in Nagarjun, Nepal caught my attention.
It’s an 800-year-old Buddhist sect called Drukpa, the Tibetan word for dragon.
Every day the nuns practice Kung Fu. It’s part of their spiritual mission to achieve gender equality and physical fitness; their Buddhist beliefs also call on them to lead an environmentally friendly life.
You can read the full article here or learn more on their website Kung Fu Nuns
#4 If we’re all connected enough to belong to one another” as I sensed in the hymns we sang “then we’re connected enough to hurt one another—a lot” Joanna Macy - a wild love for the world
#5 For those interested in cults, this is 3H0 (46 minutes long)
#6 Tend and befriend
A new term to me, probably not for those of you who are a therapist or in the trauma world—tend and befriend. The term was coined in 2000 by Shelley Taylor, a psychology professor at the University of California. The theory is that when faced with a perceived threat, humans tend to their young and rely on others for connection and support. Taylor found that when people are threatened or stressed, they seek comforting social interactions, which decreases stress levels. People naturally seek out support from others.
You can read more on that here
#7 Reasons people struggle to apologize
I have been cherry-picking episodes from this podcast on attachment. I found this one to be useful. Let me paraphrase some of what she spoke about.
A question to ask yourself when you hurt someone is, "what is preventing me from saying sorry? What resistance am I feeling and why" Being able to repair after a disagreement or conflict is paramount for building healthy and secure relationships with friends, partners, family, and colleagues. Having these conversations maturely can make all the difference.
Reasons it can be hard
You feel like you have been misunderstood or you haven't been heard. There is a deeper issue. You feel like there needs to be a conversation or something feels unfinished because you haven't been heard and validated. You may be fearful that if you apologize, then you are giving up the opportunity to have that conversation, and it will end the discussion, but you aren't ready for the end because you don't feel you had enough airtime to share how you are feeling or perspective of the situation.
Ange Reflection: That is where we go wrong —thinking an apology is the end of something and not the beginning of a beauitful road to repair.
You are focusing on intention rather than impact. You're focusing on what you intended or didn't intend rather than the impact your words or actions had on someone. "I didnt mean to do that, so I am not going to apologize." "I didn't mean to disappoint you" Healthy mature relationship requires us to separate our defences of what we didn't intend to do and focus on the impact, own it, have a conversation.
Ange Reflection: This is rooted in the shame we feel for thinking we are good or bad. If I admit that I hurt someone, I am bad. It's not the case. If we allow ourselves to be whole human beings, we will end up hurting someone we care about. True intimacy can take place in the ability to repair that hurt.
3. You feel like the other person has more to apologize for.
It feels unfair that you are the one that is apologizing. You think there is an imbalance in the relationship, so apologizing is hard. However, it could be a reasonable ask, yet it still feels unjust based on the times you didn’t receive the apologies you deserved.
4. You might find it hard to validate and confirm that someone may have a valid reason for being upset with you.
This is hard for people-pleasers because it can feel like a personal failure. People like this usually jump to defend why the other person is wrong or mistaken, returning to my reflection point, "I am bad." Rather than owning that you are imperfect, you rely on being perfect. So it takes more work to be with the ebb and flow of a relationship. It is hard for people like this to tolerate or fathom that people can be upset with them, still love them, and want to continue a relationship with them. So instead of coming up with a solution or owning it, become defensive and try to restore the reputation of the "good person" over repairing the relationship.
5. You may have never had safe experiences with healthy relationship rupture and repair.
If you grew up in a house where there was no conflict, nothing was ever talked about. Everything got pushed under the carpet. You may have never seen a good apology even, may have never received one. Or you had a high-conflict environment, but no repair was done. This hasn't been modelled, so you don't trust that it is a normal part of relationships and that it can be safe to do so.
Ange Reflection: Self-awareness is critical. Reflecting on your childhood and what was modelled to you may impede healthy relationship repair. I work on this because it was not modelled to me as a child and teen. We were a family of carpet sweepers.
#8 Reading Room
Currently reading :
Your Table Is Ready - Michael Cecchi
I love this book. It is all about the New York high-end restaurant scene. The good, bad and ugly.
Read this month:
B.F.F- Christie Tate
I loved this book so much. Christie is one of the beyond real writers there is. This book is about friendship struggles, loss and generally the complexity of women in their relationship with each other.
Hollywood Park - Mikel Jollett
A friend recommended this book, and it did not disappoint, Mikel is the frontman for the band the airborne toxic event, and he also happens to be a talented writer.
#9
#10
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I have another personal essay coming soon.
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Ange