"I MADE A MISTAKE" WHY IS THIS SO HARD FOR SOME TO SAY?
A reflection on shame, accountability and the reasons why I now mind my own business
Defined by Brené Brown: Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior. Shame is “I am bad.” Guilt is “I did something bad.” How many of you, if you did something that was hurtful to me, would be willing to say, “I'm sorry. I made a mistake?” How many of you would be willing to say that? Guilt: I'm sorry. I made a mistake. Shame: I’m sorry. I am a mistake.
I have been thinking about shame for a while. For the last three years, it’s been a topic of conversation with close friends because of a situation that keeps cropping up and each time it does, we attempt to unpack its complexities and usually end up in the same place. We aren’t sure if we should leave it alone or open it back up.
I decided to write about it with the hope of being transparent about where I am now while also weaving in some nuance around shame and accountability, especially for those who know me through my work online that isn’t grief and loss related—a topic I write on almost daily. Some of you have probably noticed a shift in my social media presence. I am pretty quiet there lately.
I am also sharing my experience for those who have made similar mistakes to the one I made, maybe like me, you thought you were doing the right thing at the time but regret your actions or your approach and want to take responsibility, which in my opinion, should include an apology even if an apology won't cut it. Some of you may not agree with me, and that's fine. If you want to call people in/out and find it productive, have it at. That has yet to be my experience. These are my observations over the last eight years—that most people don't respond well to it, and the body goes into a stress response where nothing productive happens.
I don’t need to explain this to my close people because they have been beside me, talking through every inch of this, watching me evolve and change with my late diagnosis of ADHD and supporting my grief after the suicide of my friend, my dad dying of colon cancer shortly after that, then my grandmother a year later, which was all brewing around that time.
Brene Brown brought shame front and center with her research, and this stood out from the many points she makes.
"Feeling shame is not the same as being shamed." I would add, but that rarely matters. For some, shame takes over when someone is being critical of you, your beliefs or your work. It's hard not to take it personally. Have you tried talking to certain white people about their racist behaviour? Shame is the primary driver.
When we talk about shame, accountability is a common topic that comes alongside it. Shame gets in the way of taking responsibility. That is why forcibly trying to hold someone accountable doesn't work. I have seen this play out time and time again. It is one of the many reasons I don't believe in accountability processes anymore. People need to feel safe to have hard conversations around their behaviour with people they know and trust; otherwise, it breeds shame, fawning/people-pleasing, fake apologies or doubling down. It rarely leads to changed behaviour and is often met with defence. That's also why people prefer to live in an echo chamber. It can be overwhelming when someone challenges you.
I was a crusader of the “see something, say something.” That’s what I was taught to do in the social justice circles I found myself in (which were quite culty), and based on my training as a Massage Therapist, our ethics courses drilled into us the importance of reporting misconduct when we see it. I have also been in the holistic wellness industry for nineteen years. I do not hesitate to share my thoughts on the common issues in wellness, coaching and self-development spaces. I sometimes discuss my frustrations on one of my social media platforms, but I haven’t been lately.
A distinction to make about shaming people—although this doesn't seem to matter to the person it is happening to. When you aim to shame someone, you seek to attack their character—to humiliate or leave them feeling disgraced and alienated. Some people get off on that kind of thing. I'm not one of those people.
Three years ago, I genuinely thought I was doing the right thing by saying something I and many others saw as unethical. Some still argue that it was the right thing to do, but I don't feel that way based on how it has affected this person's self-esteem. That's my personal experience of the situation, even if I have enough humans in my life who can vouch that I am not a trash human who would want to make anyone feel that way. My blunt delivery can be abrupt to some, and I am working on that.
I reflect on my behaviour pre-ADHD diagnosis, continually connecting the dots, and feel the cringe. What I would see in my mind playing out never quite happened as I thought it would, even when I explained myself with absolute clarity and never went so low as to attack someone's character. Even when I stuck to facts, it still didn't land. Why doesn't this work the majority of the time? Especially through public discourse— a few reasons. You can't force people to change. If you are rude, people won't listen to you. You might be wrong or they may disagree with your judgment of the situation or how you went about it, resulting in stuck shame that prevents a person from taking responsibility. Usually, it's a combination.
The back story will be sparsely detailed because it isn’t important. The lessons I’ve learned about shame, accountability and communication are. I’m sharing this part to bring you a fuller picture.
In a YouTube testimonial, a person we will call Kerry shared the success of her client healing their trauma (PTSD). She uses diagnostic terms throughout the video and explains how she took her client back to reliving her trauma and healed her. This person is not a trained therapist and has no trauma education. At the time, I was floored as I watched her explain what seemed like a makeshift version of EMDR therapy, without calling it that, and talking with her client, who was visibly uncomfortable being on camera and stated at the beginning that she wasn't comfortable doing a testimonial but now is—hello fawning. My little ADHD brain went into "protect vulnerable people mode." Our mutual friend politely spoke to her privately, which she brushed off. I felt I would be the bad guy and say something publicly as a last resort. Someone openly talking about healing people's trauma with no education around it created a reaction in me. Although I stuck to the facts, I did not attack her character and explained why working with someone's trauma with no trauma education is risky for both parties. I found out later that others felt similar and voiced their concerns to her, likely in an angry or shaming tone. The result was she felt publicly shamed and betrayed by friends that agreed with the criticism, and that was that.
I felt horrible because it was not how I saw it going. I am not defending my actions but I am hammering down the point that public calls for accountability rarely work, even if you think you aren't being shitty about it. I was fixated on warning others.
Yeah, I hear some of you. How woke mob of me to partake in such an act, but I'm not evil, and neither is Kerry. So what is the takeaway? Humans do fucked up shit on all sides.
A few years later, I apologized to her for my careless approach and attempted to clarify what I was trying to say once I felt I had given it enough time. We were acquaintances, not strangers. She was not interested in what I had to say, which is understandable. It was left in her court what repair would look like to her. If people want to see that email, I am open to sharing it for the sake of transparency or for those that seek more clarity or details around this. They can send me a message. Her name and details will be changed for privacy.
Here's the thing, there was a valid reason for concern. People who aren't trained to work with people's trauma shouldn't be working with other people's trauma. Most of us can agree it is a significant issue in the coaching industry for people to overstep their scope of expertise, yet I still needed to hold myself accountable for how I approached her.
People are grown-ups. They can decide whom to give their money to or not. I have taken a step back to examine my reaction and focus less on what others are doing. People could be selling their toenails clippings and telling people it heals trauma, and now, I would barely bat an eyelash because it's not my job to be the one that speaks out about every injustice or issue I come across. That's my healing to do. I am no one's saviour, and I also don't want to be the reason someone feels shamed.
Sometimes, asking people to be accountable for their actions is essential, which differs from shaming someone. Even if shame comes up, it doesn’t mean the person set out to shame them, but you must have the skills to have conversations in a way that will land, and I wasn’t capable in this situation. Most of us aren’t.
We have no control over what people will take on as shame vs people that realize they fucked up and, although deeply uncomfortable, are willing to look at what is being said and then make the necessary adjustments. I haven’t done something like this since because I have seen the harm it causes.
I thought she would get the required education to work with people’s trauma, determine her scope of expertise, adjust her offerings, and continue her work. It was that simple in my mind back then, but it’s not reality.
What I want to get across is the importance of having nuanced discussions around being our whole messy human selves. Sometimes we are the ones that get hurt. Sometimes we are the ones that cause harm. That is why owning our fuck ups helps us move on with our lives. Examining the shame that keeps us stuck. Taking responsibility for our actions that hurt people and learning to mind our own business while also honouring our genuine desire to protect others or warn them of the people we deem as doing fucked up shit.
Some of my most intense justice sensitivities are around people who grift. The grift has been at an all-time high for the last three years. I hate seeing people be duped or misled. People in the wellness/self-development industry have often deceived and fooled me. People use cult tactics to manipulate people into their coaching programs, using scarcity techniques while tapping into people's insecurities that tug on their longing to belong.
It pains me to see people working outside their scope of expertise because people get hurt more often than not or waste people's hard-earned money. This is rampant in the wellness world and coaching industry, even if they don't tell the person to their face what harm was done.
I struggle to see vulnerable people get love bombed and discarded once their money dries up or feel pressured to say how much someone's coaching had helped them when it didn't help much. Still, they spent 5k, so part of them needs to believe it worked; then, they feel pressured to give a testimonial that is just them fawning (people pleasing the coach).
I struggle to see people who work with others that lack an ethical framework. Some people don't even know what that is. We see that in the coaching industry, with no governing body to protect the public, with self-development programs and even shady counselling services. Anyone can label themselves a coach, a healer, or a counsellor, with no one checking in on them. I now have rules for dealing with this, which I will share later.
When you become a leader, a coach, a therapist, a celebrity that speaks out on social issues, an actor in the spotlight, a wellness consultant, an influencer (it's in the name, babes) selling a product, a lifestyle, whatever your title is. The hope is that you're acting with integrity with the skills you possess to provide a safe service that is client or customer-focused, the products you offer are legit, that the videos you upload are factual, that the brands you stand behind aren't shady, the deals you make are done with integrity, the people you coach understand what they are paying for and what your credentials are, the philanthropic endeavours you raise money for are transparent, that your ethics are intact and that you are aware of the limitations of what you can offer and if not, look who just entered the chat—Dunning–Kruger effect.
You can get crushed when you offer something to an audience or put yourself out there. People will have something to say. That's the gig.
People will share their opinions and hold your feet to the fire, and it sometimes sucks for the folks that dare to put themselves out. I know. I have been there. I am there. I have a book coming out on June 13th. It's terrifying at times. And yet, it's our choice whose opinions we listen to. We can decline someone's attempts to shame us. We can respectfully disagree, tell them to fuck off or take what is given and go to our trusted circles and pull apart what is being said. You don't owe people your time or energy, especially strangers on the internet.
You cannot argue that those who said they were shamed should not feel that way. If Kerry feels she was shamed, that's what happened, although I would prefer a little more nuance.
With my own battles with shame and guilt, I have learned how to reframe shame. It may help you in the way it helped me. I am a fan of Luis Mojia's work. He's a somatic experiencing therapist, and although we differ on his love for some of his favourite teachers, I have learned so much from him. He states in an Instagram post, "You can only shame me when I agree with you." I agree that you do not have to take anyone's view of you as the truth. It is up to you to check in with yourself and ask, is any part of what they say about me true? He says it beautifully here and gives a great example of it.
Copied from his post:
This one can be really tough because we grow up with the concept of "being shamed". I am not denying that people are shaming. They certainly are. I know I’ve been.What I’m focusing on with this post is the relational quality of shame. To be shamed some part of me must receive it and attune to the concept, words, or ideas you're shaming me. Some part of me agrees with your shaming and then I feel shamed. My unconscious self-shame connects with your ideas of me. You might have said the very thing I’ve always feared is wrong with me and now it *must* be true because you said it. I recently shared an experience about shame (the post with me in the ferns). This was a moment that I experienced exactly this: the shame I was feeling was mine - this person just touched on it. There was a part of me feeling shame (from myself) about no discounts for my course this year. So all it took was one person being honest about how they felt about me to activate what was already living inside of me. It had nothing to do with them. Do you know how much agency comes with this awareness? Anyone can say anything to me and I don’t have to live in shame. I never said I don’t feel it. I do, but I know it’s a signal not a fact.
It tells me that:
1) I’m seeking external validation and...
2) part of me is also thinking what they’re thinking or it wouldn’t bother me.
As children we lack this ability to inquire like this. Our nervous systems are dependent on other bodies. We look to them to get information about ourselves. When we grow up with development trauma within our relationships it’s easy to continue seeking external validation in others. I never expect children or traumatized adult systems to simply not feel shame. It’s a practice. And it’s worth knowing that there is a way to work with it.
I have become wholly disinterested in holding anyone accountable but myself. There are enough critics and commentators who point out the grifts happening around us. We need people willing to do that, but I don't need to point people out by name. Lately, I would rather say nothing at all. I am focused on my healing and my relationships.
If people want to present to the public that they are a mystical wizard healer that shrinks cancer tumours with their energy healing, have it. That kind of person most likely won't listen to anyone anyway.
I don't see Kerry as a grifter, she may be swept up in the esoteric spiritual, self-help tornado where you are told you have special gifts, and your haters "just don't get it," but she's a kind soul. I wish her well in whatever she does next.
When someone feels shame, it activates the stress response – flight, fight, freeze, or fawn. You can't do much from this state.
Shame can run the show if you let it. Shame prevents us from owning our shit and moving on with our lives. Shame is deeply relational. Shame prevents changed behaviour. Shame has us believing we are broken when we are not. Shame tells you "I am bad" vs I did something that may need to be looked at, but I am human, and human-ing comes with loads of fucking up. Shame can be people's go-to at the sign of any criticism. This means that shame, although ever present for some, can be a tool for growth and self-exploration if you can get past the beast. Getting past that beast is worth it.
If I felt shame instead of guilt for doing what I did, I would not be writing this reflection or able to apologize. I would have made Kerry the problematic villain in this story and left it there. But that's not how I feel. That's not the whole story. I will forever feel remorse for hurting her.
If I were the sum of the shittest ways I have behaved in this lifetime, that would be a sad way to live and be. Living and learning lessons means not repeating shitty behaviours once you gain awareness of them. My words carry weight. At times I need to remember how much they do. I'm not letting the past haunt me, but I will never forget the impact of my actions. We all deserve to move on from these parts of ourselves that are now dead. Part of that is taking accountability for our actions. That can never be left out.
Now for my new rules.
My Rules of Engagement On Social Media:
Check in with what's going on in my life then I ask myself these questions
Am I activated?
Is this something I should bring to my therapist or a close friend?
Is my voice needed here?
Is there something else I could be tending to?
What am I gaining by inserting myself into this issue?
Do I know them personally?
Is there someone else that can help this person?
What am I actually offering this person?
Are you willing to put 100 of your energy into this and see it through?
Do you have the energy for this?
Does this person want to engage with me?
Am I treating this person how I want to be treated?
Leave it for 48 hours.
9.9/10 times, I mind my business and focus on my own life and work. I’d rather concentrate on cultivating healthy and nourishing relationships.
I trust that people and their people have their backs and will hold each other accountable. Whatever that looks like isn’t my business.
I don't comment on people's social media I don't know or involve myself in stuff I am not directly a part of. I don't listen to online gossip or cancel campaigns. I don't involve myself if I don't have all the facts. Even if I had the facts, at this point, I still wouldn't involve myself in other people's business.
I don’t call out people publicly. I will speak about my lessons learned and experiences as I did here but that’s about it. If you're into this, that's fine. It's not for me. I have yet to see this go well.
If I see something I don't like, I keep scrolling.
If I hear something I don't like, I turn it off. I don't demand people change for my comfort.
If I see something fucked, I block it, remove myself or talk about it with a good friend. To each their own on this one.
This is where I am right now. Self-awareness is critical to bringing social change, but acting in harmful ways in the name of someone else’s harm is not liberation of any kind. Standing up for what you believe is essential and burning yourself out screaming into the void is not where I want to put my energy anymore.
Understanding the difference (read full article here)
Shame is name-calling, put-downs, “You’re a bad person.” Accountability is, “You’re not doing your job.” Often when we hold someone else accountable, they view it as shaming. You can hold someone accountable without name-calling or demeaning but with direct and respectful language. If it taps into a place of shame for the other person who then reacts negatively, keep in mind that you are not responsible for their reaction.
Accountability is hard, and asking others to take accountability for their actions is ever harder. Asking someone to be accountable does not guarantee they will be, and therefore, it is essential to remember that when you hold someone accountable, it is not your job to make them come forward, as it is their responsibility to take accountability and come forward. Inviting someone to make a change and forcing their hand are two different things, and often the latter can lead to shame.
Bird Photo byRonaldo de Oliveira