The Cult of Belonging
navigating the forceful nature of conformity in divisive times
OFFLINE BLING is a free newsletter about offline life musings, burnout recovery and personal essays. Thank you so much to those that have become paid subscribers. If you haven't, it would be a lot cooler if you did. If you don't get that movie reference, we had vastly different high school experiences. Thanks for taking the time to read and support my writing.
The desire to belong is innate. It's in our bones. We need each other. Early evolution, our survival depended on it. Belonging to a group offered safety, collective resources, responsibility to one another and kinship. Studies have shown that social exclusion activates the same brain centers as physical pain and that exclusion can cause many people's undoing. Yet, so can false belonging. So can being part of a group or community, friends circles, partners, following leaders of any kind, who offer belonging, salvation or the moons and stars but slowly rip away that promise in exploitative ways.
I've cycled in and out of friend groups for various reasons and left people I loved because I couldn't continue our destructive dance. I've also joined and left many communities, including a few business ventures and social justice groups, where "communal belonging" was dangled like a carrot, always for a cost, usually of compliance and praised fawning. You are no longer welcome if you can't pay up or fall in line.
I've also burned enough bridges on my path and watched people burn the bridge that leads to me. On my end, some were on purpose so there was no way to return, some by accident, a product of unhealed trauma, and others simply by no longer wanting to be part of a group that contradicted their ethos, as in, their words were not aligned with their actions and that made it easier to leave.
When belonging starts to hurt, there is no belonging at all. When belonging begins with fault lines that turn to cracks, it's time to examine the parameters around what sacrifices you are making at the expense of yourself to belong to a person or group and why. It may be unconscious. It may be a feeling in your gut, but it's there, waiting for you to name it.
As a younger girl and woman, I effortlessly belonged in friend groups—until I didn't. The more I heal, the less I am attached to conditional places. I slowly grew into someone who didn't conform as easily, started to stand up for myself, asked uncomfortable questions, stopped abiding by the cultural norms or some of the groupthink indoctrination I followed, and back-pedalled once I understood the game.
That effortlessness grew into a chasm to the belonging I once knew. There was pain in that, even when my desire for change caused it. It's hard to leave, but when that desire beats out the need to conform, there is also pride—the cost of giving up the likable girl persona.
Despite what others think, there is also substantial worthiness in being who you are despite the pushback you are getting. There are truer ways to live without giving into the fear of not fitting into groups that only offer conditional belonging based on the performance of what that group believes is good, holy or right. Your power lies in finding the people who will allow your entire being to the table as you figure out how to be fully flawed humans together.
There are so many heartwarming stories about true belonging, some of my own. I live it in small ways each day. I also pay close attention to those exploiting people's need to belong, which leads me down the long, dark rabbit hole of studying manipulative human behaviour. The desire to belong somewhere is a complex and natural response, and maintaining nurturing social connections is critical to a fulfilling life. However, recognizing and preventing others' exploitation of this need is equally essential. It's a powerful tool and defence.
I was talking to a dear friend the other day. Our three-hour catch-up over the phone was full of laughs but also serious concerns for our world. We also took a trip down memory lane. One of the reasons belonging has been on my mind is that she told me a story of her experience with a youth leader at the church she and her family attended. My friend grew up in a Christian home and was homeschooled until high school alongside her two older brothers, which makes us an unlikely pair, with me being a heathen and all.
It led me to think about covert and played-out conditional belonging, an excellent example to which many people who have deconstructed from high-demand groups and controlling relationships can attest.
When she told me the painful story about her youth leader, whom she once looked up to, I couldn't help but stew and imagine how that conversation went and its hypocrisy. Everyone is welcome in the Lord's house, right? … wrong. Here's how I imagined the conversation went: note the subtleties.
Youth Leader:
Hey, Gemma! How's everything going?
Gemma:
I'm doing good, thanks! I invited my friend Gary to the youth group this weekend.
Youth Leader:
I love that you're excited to share our faith and community with your friends. You know, our youth group is where we try to build each other up and focus on positive influences. It can be challenging for everyone to fit into that, depending on their life situation. We also want you to focus on being yoked to someone more suited to you and the church. Is this boy your boyfriend?
Gemma:
I get that. But I think he'd like it here and also feel he needs God to guide him. He's been through a lot. He does so much for his family. And no, he's not my boyfriend; we are just friends from school.
Youth Leader:
It's just... sometimes, we want to make sure the people we bring in are really ready to benefit from what we do. You've been such a strong part of this group, and you know how much we rely on a certain kind of atmosphere. Is Gary in a place where he's ready for that?
Gemma: ….
Youth Leader:
Before bringing him to the group, could you talk to him one-on-one about what we stand for and believe and the kind of commitment we encourage?
Gemma:
Yeah, I guess that makes sense.
Youth Leader:
We have your best interests in mind. You need to focus on who you will be yoked with as you walk with God on your path. Maybe someone like Edward?
For those who don't know, I also had to ask my friend what being "yoked" means. In many Christian communities, finding a partner is often promoted, especially for young women.
The concept of "being yoked" refers to the biblical principle of being "equally yoked" in relationships, based on 2 Corinthians 6:14:
"Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers."
My friend felt judged and shamed by her leader, so much so that she ended her relationship with the boy from school shortly after, eventually distanced herself from the youth leader and church, and never returned. After some time, she saw through the youth leader's subtle control tactics, cleverly disguised as concerned guidance. I guess God only accepts certain people.
Conditional belonging in some church settings is all too common. If you stay in line, you will be rewarded. That is why I used it as an example of its pitfalls. There are many unwritten rules and undertones of ways to be more accepted in communities like this, as well as high-demand groups and cults. There are also ways to keep you from questioning and, in return, gain a sense of belonging as long as you do what you are told.
Our need to belong can exploit us in many ways. I am mainly using the example of leaders or communities, but these tactics can also apply to friends, partners, business models, etc. Here are some examples.
Creating The Enemy:
Some communities build an identity around opposing an external threat—whether it's another religion, agnosticism, gender, race, or other groups. This creates a sense of solidarity and may manipulate followers into viewing others as other, outsiders, enemies, or sheep, reinforcing a closed loop and echo chamber.
Fear of Punishment:
Leaders may harp on the consequences of disobedience, such as eternal damnation, being kicked out of the group, punishment in the afterlife, being cancelled, or divine retribution, making members fearful of going against the community's blatant and unwritten rules.
Guilt and Shame:
Some communities use shaming or forced accountability to enforce conformity. Individuals who stray from the group's expectations may be publicly criticized or called out. The fear of being cancelled can lead people to conform out of fear. Communities can gain control by framing thoughts, actions, or desires as sinful, wrong, evil, or problematic (because they said so) and by promoting black-and-white thinking. Fear and guilt driven by those in power can create emotional distress, making people bow to their way.
Scarcity
Communities and leaders may manufacture a sense of scarcity to stoke fear, whether for resources, attention, spiritual gifts, financial opportunities, or information. The goal is to form social hierarchies and have people vie for approval or proximity to power to gain access.
Love Bombing:
Some communities and leaders try to create intense emotional bonds by affectionately showering new members with attention and admiration, which is usually ripped away once the member has fully bought in. This can make it harder for people to leave later, as they depend on the group, leader, friend, or partner for assurance and validation.
Indoctrination
Some communities, leaders, and even partners adhere strictly to a set of beliefs. Any deviation can result in punishment or alienation. People deeply immersed in certain ideologies may feel pressured to follow group dogma because they believe they are morally or intellectually superior. At this point, many people have already put a lot on the line: everyone in the group is their only friend, money, time (sunk cost fallacy)
The Echo Chamber Effect:
Some leaders and communities deter interaction with people outside the community, fostering a sense of "us vs. them." This isolation can make individuals dependent on the group for support and camaraderie, reinforcing conformity and othering.
One True Path:
Some groups declare that their teachings are the only way. Followers may be convinced that leaving the group or questioning its teachings will lead to bad things happening to them, keeping them obedient out of fear many stay longer or never leave.
The Promises:
Offering the promise of heaven, utopia, paradise, enlightenment, acceptance, or other spiritual and monetary rewards can motivate people to comply with community teachings and politics.
Targeting The Vulnerable :
Communities, leaders, partners, and predatory businesses often target people experiencing emotional, financial, or social struggles, giving guidance and a sense of purpose. In these states of vulnerability, individuals may be more susceptible to manipulation and more likely to follow the group's commands. I saw this happen on a large scale when the pandemic hit.
Monkey See Monkey Do
People look to others in the group for cues on how to behave. The desire to fit in leads them to follow group behaviour without questioning it. Looking at you, social media.
Divine Authority:
Leaders who claim a direct line to God, positioning themselves as the sole interpreters of God's word, can make it seem like you are questioning God if you are questioning them.
Infallibility of Teachings:
Leaders can discourage debate or alternative perspectives.
"only one right way."
People may not realize they're being manipulated. Many tactics are subtle and filled with moral justification and outrage. Fear is often the driver. The combination of emotional, social, and peer pressures can make it difficult to break free from such manipulation disguised as belonging.
Although one of the hardest things to do, giving yourself space to think for yourself, log offline for a time, take a break from the group, or leave altogether allows you to belong to yourself and redirect that goodness toward something more you, more than the bread crumbs offered and better than conditional belonging that breeds performative behaviour. That is where you meet you. That is when your muscles unwind. The performance can end, but first, death or what feels like it. There is grief in breaking chains you didn't realize you were on, but freedom is realizing you had the key the whole time.