The Great Unfollow

a social media fuck you

Photo by Erik Lucatero on Unsplash

As I try to get on Pacific Standard Time after being in two different time zones in two days—going from Central European Time in Italy and then spending a night in Toronto, my body is getting up at 5 AM. I took a melatonin last night, which may help tomorrow's sleep party. Until then, I write.

Since I am up so early, I grab my phone and scroll. It's a terrible habit, and I haven't found a decent replacement. I'm much too groggy to be a morning workout person— simply a baby sloth trying to get dopamine into my brain. And yes, I know that being on my phone does the opposite of that eventually.

When on the Gram, humans I have not heard from or spoken to for a while pop into my head, so I mosy on over to their page and see what's up. I did that this morning. I hadn't spoken to this particular human for a while, nothing shady had happened between us that I am aware of, yet he unfollowed me.

My nervous system may have a flare for the dramatics. Still, in my world, unfollowing is closely linked to unfriending or giving you a hint they are mad at you or don't like what you are doing on social media, or saying without saying: don't contact me, or you're dead to me. It's hard to know what one.

Social media is one of many ways of connecting and relating to one another. It also highlights the relationships that would fade into the distance or naturally run through their course without having a hard conversation about why the relationship is ending. The alarm bells go off when you see that they unfollowed your ass. Don't people know what the MUTE button is, for fuck sake? Now it's become something. Now it's obvious.

My reflex is to go through our last conversation. Did something happen? I tend to blame myself. Bottom line, it's a shock to the system when someone you care about but not always in connection with does the big UNFOLLOW.

From the Bustle Article, Why We Take Unfollowing On Instagram So Personally: "Unfollowing is, in essence, a declaration that a person is over you. Sure, it's social media — but, from a psychological standpoint, your hurt feelings stem from a very real sense of rejection. "As human beings, we are all hardwired with attachment needs," says Hala Abdul, MA, RCC, a registered clinical counsellor.

With complete transparency, I have recently done this with a distant friend; after a Christmas text went unanswered, a world of hurt flooded me. That unanswered text and lack of connection made me realize a relationship where I could be potentially ghosted once more wasn't for me. I didn't think we needed nor would she want to have another conversation about it. An assumption I was confident making. It was a reconnection that should have been left alone in the first place. There were a few more signs that she no longer wanted to be in connection, so I unfollowed her, aka I'm done trying. The tender part of me that has been burnt and hurt in relationships does that, I assume, over asking the person what's up. Sometimes things are better unsaid. No wonder many of us ruminate over connections gone flat or awry and social media has made that worse for me. I'm sensitive to being ghosted and acutely aware of the patterns of people that like you and when they no longer do.

I know that some people who are not on social media or that savvy with it may not read into this as much as the humans that use it regularly, but most of us notice when a friend that used to like our posts and watches our stories no longer does. I can tell when someone mutes me, and it doesn't feel great, but I get it. The unfollow is final. The mute, there is potential for reconnection.

I am of the camp that I take being unfollowed by a friend as an indication that we are no longer friends. It does not show that they support my life or work and want to stay connected. It's a fair assumption to make. Lately, I am getting better at letting the initial pain of rejection be felt and held; I get back to my life and those that want to be in connection with me and what I am doing in the world. As a person with ADHD who is very sensitive to rejection, it's been a practice to honour the reaction that comes up for me, love myself through it, and continue with my beautiful day.